After the calm
by Rennie75
Summary: Chapter 8 (The One) is a new S3 episode tag because I need more Olicity! This little bonus scene follows Ep 3x8 The Brave and the Bold (US air date: 12/3/14) and includes the salmon ladder as I just couldn't resist it! Blanket warning for S3 spoilers remains in place!
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1 - FRACTURED FAIRY TALES**

**AN: **So excited to have Arrow back but I already need a bit of therapy! ;) This is just my take on the S3 premiere as I try to keep my own Team Arrow/ Olicity fairy tale alive – all Team Arrow POVs are included (1st person). BTW, many thanks to all who chatted with me after the show as you did help me work through my own thoughts! Sorry I dropped out of the conversations but I started writing this obsessively and needed to see it through!

**AN2**: As this my personal therapy, no beta was used! Pls try to ignore the mistakes and be kind if you review! ;)

**DISCLAIMER** – Nope, still no claim on CW's Arrow!

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><p><span><strong>I. Oliver<strong>

Like the eye of a hurricane, for just a few moments everything was calm. I was able to be Oliver Queen and be the Arrow. We were making the city safer, QC was almost within my grasp, my friends were happy and healthy, Thea had been in contact, Diggle was even going to be a father. It seemed all the pieces were finally in place and that I was whole...but it was only for a moment.

Now, Diggle chose to walk away from what we do. It was the choice I had already made for him but it still hurt to see him make it too.

Now, Felicity chose to walk away...from me. Not what we do but _me_. I kissed her and basically told her that I love her, but she told me that we were over. It was the choice I had already made, but it still hurt to see her make it too.

Now Sara is dead, Laurel and her father are heartbroken.

Now there's a new threat, unknown but deadly. Someone good enough to take out Sara. I don't ever know why Sara was here – I should have known, but I failed her. I've been distracted by the calm, by the perfection that my life was for just that moment.

I was so focused on the mere possibility of a life with Felicity that I ignored everything else. I was just fooling myself though that I could have it all. Seeing Felicity with Diggle's new baby shattered even the possibility of that fairy tale. The hero is supposed to get the girl, save her. Instead I almost killed Felicity.

I know they want me to be that hero. I know Felicity wants me to be that hero and the man that loves her. I can't be both. I'm either the Arrow or I'm Oliver Queen.

As Oliver Queen, I always hurt the people that I cared about. I lied and cheated. I didn't care.

As the Arrow, I still hurt the people that I care about. I still lie and cheat. The difference is that now I care. I care about those close to me. I care about the city. I care about making the world a better place for Diggle's daughter.

They are better off if I am the Arrow and not Oliver Queen.

_"A man cannot live by two names."_

I wasn't lying when I told Felicity that I had been thinking about Hong Kong. I remember those words now and I remember not truly understanding them then. Looking back, I couldn't be Oliver Queen then. I can't be Oliver Queen now either. I didn't have a choice then and I don't have one now.

I can only be the Arrow. My friends need me, the city needs me...but as the Arrow. I thought being someone different was difficult during those five years away. Now I see everything I could ever have dreamed of within my grasp but I can't have it. I have to keep wearing the mask even with my friends, even with Felicity.

She really was the first one I saw as a person. She was also the first one to see me as a person, the first person to see the man behind the mask. Now I need her to only see the mask, not the man. I will always be the man who loves her but I can't let her see that again. I can't keep hurting her with my own doubts, fears.

I need to learn to wear the mask all the time now. If that mask slips then they could get hurt, they could get killed...because of Oliver Queen. He is too weak, too self-involved to protect and love them as they deserve. The Arrow will do what's right for them though, what is right for the city.

I am the Arrow and I won't fail, I can't. I will protect this city, I will lead my team, and I will let the woman I love walk away from me.

**II. Felicity**

For just a moment, my life, our lives were nearly perfect. Team Arrow was rocking through the bad guys and I even got a date with the hero. He's no Prince Charming but I love him and he is my hero. Then everything changed.

Diggle walked away from our crusade (Oliver may want to claim it is _his_ crusade but the Arrow belongs to all of us). Sara was murdered. Another threat brought back the darkness and destroyed the fairy tale. Worst of all in so many ways, Oliver turned away. Yes, he gave me the words and a kiss but he had already walked away before I made that choice to do the same.

We share the burden and we share the blame. We really are partners.

We had found a new rhythm over the summer and things were really good. We might have learned to handle us too if he would have given us time. He didn't though - he ran, scared. I know he blames himself for the fact that I got hurt. He blames himself for failing the city, for failing Sara. He blames himself for being distracted and he ran.

I should probably be flattered that I can scare the Arrow, but I only got angry. He is scared of being Oliver Queen, the man, not the hero.

He admitted how hard it was to see others as people but he doesn't seem to realize that he still doesn't see himself as a person. He wore masks long before Barry made him one but I don't even think he knows that.

It's easier for him to choose to wear the Arrow mask now. It is easier for him to be the Arrow than for him to look deeper and see just who Oliver Queen is. I can see the man behind the mask now. I didn't see him at first - the scars, the muscles, the rare smiles, all distracted me. I got to know him though as a friend. I fell in love with him as my best friend, my partner. Stubborn and scarred, moody and brooding, and sometimes just plain stupid but he is the man I love.

I could have fought him on us but I wanted him to be the one fighting for us. I want him to fight for me just as he fights for the city.

I didn't say he was the only stupid one, did I? We are definitely a matched pair. Anyway...

I don't blame him but I do blame me.

I accused him of dangling future possibilities in front of me, but those thoughts have always been in my head and heart. I thought I was strong enough to be more than his partner but I was the one distracted.

I don't care that Ray Palmer said he didn't need my help hacking into QC. I was still off my game enough to unintentionally help. I helped him take QC from Oliver. That was my fault, not Oliver's. I am the one that failed, not Oliver.

Oliver knew he wasn't ready for us but now I know I'm not ready either. I'm not giving up on us though. We might not be ready yet but the story isn't over. It would probably be easier to have the fairy tale ending with someone else but it's the man that I want, not the fairy tale.

I gave him what he wanted though – or what he thinks he wanted anyway. I told him we were over and I walked away even though it broke my heart. However, I refuse to walk away completely. I _can't_ walk away completely, not from what we do, not from Oliver, not from my feelings. Not now.

Now Sara is gone, Diggle is out. Now we are hurting, the city is hurting. There's a new threat out there. Now is the time to stick together, now is the time to make a difference. We are partners and we do a lot so save Starling City...I refuse to call it Star City simply on principle. We need to focus on our jobs, focus on creating a happy ending for others at least.

Very few people know how to be a real hero but Oliver does. Very few people know how to really love not just the hero but the man behind the mask but I do.

Now I'll put my own mask on and stand beside him as I always have. I won't be as obvious as Oliver donning the green leather, but I have been around him enough to know how to do this. I can get Oliver only to see the mask - IT genius, crime fighting partner, the girl who's always ready to talk.

Together we can save the city…and later we can try again for our own happy ending.

**III. Roy**

I can see why Oliver likes to do the patrols. There is something calming about standing on the roof and overlooking the entire city. A city I've sworn to protect with my life.

It wasn't much of a life before Thea, before the Vigilante. It has gotten much better than I expected though. Even without Thea. I still can't think about her without getting angry, but it is getting easier to bury those feelings.

It's even easier to focus on the fact that there's a new threat in our city. A threat that Sara didn't recognize but that was strong enough to take her life. That's something I can do something about - I can't do anything about Thea, not yet anyway.

I've spent the last several months training to handle threats though. Oliver, Diggle, Felicity – they've trained me to do just that. They've given me not just the ability to fight and to make a difference but the inspiration to do it and to do it right.

Oliver calls it his crusade but we are all in this together. Last time, I didn't feel like part of anything – the Mirakuru was all I could focus on as it took over my body and mind. This time, I get the hero thing. Not the glory and fame, but the work and responsibility. I get that we are the good guys and we have a job do.

We've been doing it well – it almost became too easy to mark the names off the board. Then the board changed and now there's a new threat. That really isn't surprising, but what is surprising is that Diggle is out and Felicity and Oliver only made it through one date. I don't know what's happened but I know we are now broken somehow and I think it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

It's instinctive now to look to them to lead me. I count on them but they count on me too. They count on me for back-up and they all need back-up now and not just on missions and patrols.

Oliver seems to have shut down – losing QC was rough, losing Felicity was too much. He's strong but that strength seems more like a mask than anything else right now.

Felicity isn't much better – she's no longer yelling and losing her cool but she's less…Felicity. She's darker, quieter now. She's still always here but it's not the same.

Diggle has walked away completely and not just because Oliver forced his hand but because he wants to be a father to his new daughter. He has a life that doesn't include us.

Felicity still calls us Team Arrow even though Oliver doesn't like it. Right now we aren't acting like a team. I have to believe we still are though. I have to believe that we all still want the same thing. We all want to do what's right and to protect the city. We all still want to fight even if we aren't sure how to do that right now.

I'm just going to keep doing what they've taught me to do. I'm going to keep fighting. I'm going to keep counting on them and I'm going to keep being here for them to count on me too. We've already been through rough times before and I think we can make it through this too.

No one ever said being a hero was easy, but it is our job.

**IV. Diggle**

Holding my baby daughter and staring into her eyes, it's hard to think of anything that could be more important than her. I didn't lie to Oliver, my whole view did change when I first saw her beautiful face. It's all about her now. She's the center of my life, my home.

Her room is filled with bright colors, soft toys, bows and lace, games and books. Felicity even bought her a collection of fairy tales and laughed about it being good for her to know now that there are villains in the world but that there are also heroes and happy endings. My baby daughter is a fairy tale princess – she is everything that is good, light, beautiful.

I want my daughter to have her own fairy tale life but there are monsters in fairy tales. Monsters that can only be defeated by a hero.

I can't help but look at the mobile hanging over her crib. The arrow charm that Oliver made her is hanging there. The silver catches the moonlight and sparkles. Right now, this room seems worlds apart from the Arrow and the dregs of society that I once fought with him, with our team.

Right now, I want nothing more than to keep holding my daughter forever but the silver arrow keeps pulling my focus. It reminds me of the Team I just walked away from, the crusade I just turned my back on. I know what's out there, I know what kind of world she's been born into. It's a world I previously tried to make better – a world I did make better.

I walked away when things were still good and now things have gotten worse. I know my friends need me and not just for the crusade. Sara is dead, Oliver and Felicity are broken, Roy is still trying to fight the good fight even though he misses Thea. They need me. Tightening my grip slightly around my sleeping daughter, I look up to meet her mother's eyes.

"I have to go and help them." I know she's going to argue the point. She is a soldier too, but we both agreed that our lives have changed now. We both agreed that our lives had to change for our daughter's sake.

"I know." Lyla's voice is surprisingly calm considering her words. My shock must show as she smiles and walks toward me as she continues.

"Our daughter needs to live in a world with heroes…she needs her dad to be her hero."

Her words change everything and it all becomes clear. The best soldiers are the ones with a faith in something greater than themselves, the ones with something more to fight for. I have more reason than ever to fight now, more reason than ever to make the city better.

I need to help my daughter find her own happy ending. I need to make the world a place where monsters can be defeated by heroes. Luckily I know a team of heroes because there is still a lot of work to be done.

I still hold my daughter close though and hug her to me. There is work to be done but for this moment, I am going to hold the reason that makes the fight worth it.

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><p><strong>AN3: <strong>I now have 4 options for S3 episode tags and I'm just going to pick the one(s) that work for me each week. I will use Roy and his Lessons Learned to find some humor hopefully. I will use A Woman of Distinction to focus on Felicity. I will use my OC Charlie and his Team Arrow: Front Row Seat for QC scenes. I'm always open to ideas so pls just let me know if there's something you'd like to see!


	2. Ep3x2 tag - Sara

**Chapter 2 – Sara**

**AN** –Kinda dark and angsty but I needed to try and resolve both the lack of Olicity physical contact in this episode and also Felicity's decision to return to QC. Hopefully it ends on a bit of a lighter note though!

**AN2** - Thanks to all who read, reviewed, faved, and/ or followed this series already! I do think S3 will be a roller coaster ride and I very much appreciate your support! As always I hope you enjoy this update and I welcome your feedback! Thanks!

**DISCLAIMER** – It is my birthday week so I will gladly accept ownership rights to CW's Arrow from the powers that be…I think I asked for the same thing last year… :(

_**SPOILER WARNING FOR SEASON 3 STILL IN PLACE!**_

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><p>"Then don't Oliver."<p>

Sitting alone in the lair, Diggle's words continue to echo in the silent room. So simple but I don't know if I can do it. Those five years in hell taught me how easy it was to die. I'm not sure I remember how to live though.

Just flirting with the idea of a life as Oliver Queen, separate from the Arrow, nearly cost Felicity her life. I accepted my own death years ago. I've found that I can't accept the possibility of hers though.

Since the Gambit, death has been part of my every day existence, not just the vague possibility of death but the very real, concrete threat of my immediate demise. I lost any fear of my own death. I expected it. At times, I would even have welcomed it...but not now.

Now, mixed in with the rage and the need for vengeance is not only the fear of my own death but of their deaths as well.

Felicity was right that it is easier to live under the hood. There I can again expect and welcome death. I'm not alone under the hood though. Now others are with me, now they expect me to lead.

If I continue to lead this way though, I'm taking all of them down this road with me. I'm condemning not just myself to this damned darkness but them as well.

Felicity was also right that life is precious. Diggle was right that we won't forget.

Sara fought her way back from the darkness and she did it her own way. Her life was finally one of her own making – her own choices. For just a moment she was happy and she was free. I'm glad she had that, I'm glad she returned to Nyssa.

I will always love Sara and I will always carry her with me. She was right to leave me though. Sara didn't think she could be the person I needed her to be but, in truth, I couldn't be the person she needed me to be.

Now I'm struggling to be the person Felicity needs me to be. She didn't say that I needed to be different though, she wouldn't. That's not Felicity. More than anyone else, she has always pushed me to be the best possible version of myself. Never someone different, just better. She did say that she wanted more from her life though.

She wants, needs, and deserves more than dying in this basement.

I told Felicity I knew that I would die here just like Sara. If she stays with me then that is how it ends for her too. She either dies or she becomes like me – damned to be lost in the darkness. I don't want either fate for Felicity, not her.

Now I'm not only afraid of death but I'm also afraid of not actually living. Felicity accused me of not being human, of not feeling anything. I needed to bury my feelings, my humanity during those five years and sometimes that is still the only way I know how to survive.

I have always tried to keep a distance from Felicity to protect her - I had to do that today for my own survival though. Her touch would have broken me. I struggled just to make eye contact with her. I locked every muscle in place to keep my distance. I couldn't even offer her a hug when her words, her pain and grief brought tears to my eyes.

I am glad Roy was there to comfort her, to hold her. He and Diggle have been here for us both even though they too lost Sara.

We are a family and I couldn't do this without them. It did start with the three of us - not just this crusade but my new life. It started with them and I know I need them, Roy too now. I pushed John away but he returned anyway, he's got my back as always. I didn't even pretend to fight as I want him here with me.

I can't pretend that I don't want Felicity here as well even though I pushed her away too. I couldn't have that connection to her while trying to be only the Arrow. Felicity brings out emotions in me unlike anyone else.

It was possible to comfort Laurel – I hugged and held her, I gave her the words to allow her to grieve. I couldn't be that person for Felicity though. My feelings for her are too deep, too raw. I couldn't afford to feel that love because then the pain, grief, and fear would have overwhelmed me and there was a job to do.

There's still a job to do but I know now that I need to find another way to do it. Alone, I've barely held it together. I have family though and I need them here with me. Together we can find another way, a way that doesn't require their deaths in this dark basement.

I still need to grieve for Sara – for myself, for Sara, and for my Team. My first step was following Felicity's action and placing dirt on her coffin. I needed to at least start letting go and saying good bye.

I want to grieve now but then I want to lead us to a better future. A future Sara fought for, a future Felicity dreams of, a future I want to dream of too.

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><p>I had to walk away from Oliver for the second time.<p>

I walked away not just for myself but also for him. I don't want to be the person begging him to be different. He can only be himself. I know that - I like who he is. _Usually_. Right now anger has mixed in with my grief and I don't actually like Oliver very much. I still love him but I don't like him right now.

Of course, right now though he is only the Arrow, not Oliver Queen. He's hiding under that hood when I need him to be Oliver. I need my partner, my best friend.

Part of me knows it's foolish to return to QC. It's foolish to trust that Ray Palmer has anyone's interests but his own in mind; however, I'm doing it anyway. I need to make this statement to myself and to Oliver.

If I have learned anything from Oliver it's that words aren't enough. You have to be willing to act. You have to be willing to fight.

Right now I'm fighting for myself. I don't want to die in that basement, not even with Oliver.

I want to grieve for Sara, I want to cry and hurt...and then I want to let it go. Sara was a fighter and I'm going to fight too.

I'm going to fight for a future that doesn't only include death and darkness.

I can't lie though...I'm fighting for Oliver too. I was surprised when he followed the Jewish tradition by placing dirt on the grave. I didn't tell him what it meant but for me it was a final act of caring for Sara before letting her go to rest in peace. I'll never forget her but I have to grieve and say good bye.

I want Oliver to grieve and let her go too.

I want Oliver to lead us but not just as the Arrow, as Oliver Queen. I want him to lead us but not to our deaths. I want him to lead us to a better life, a better future.


	3. Ep3x3 tag - Undercurrents

**Chapter 3 - Undercurrents**

**AN** – I have to confess that this didn't come to me last night (inspiration usually strikes while I watch). I didn't feel any particular need for therapy either as even without Olicity I enjoyed the episode! I loved the male bonding time and abundance of sarcasm and one liners. I continue to skip almost all of Laurel's scenes so I had fun last night! Anyway, this is just a weird bit of rambling but hopefully someone gets something out of it!

**DISCLAIMER** – Standard disclaimer applies as I continue to wait for my bday gift of legal ownership of all things Arrow.

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><p><strong>SPOILER WARNING: This is an episode tag Ep3x3 (Corto Maltese, US airdate 1022/14).**

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><p>I watched Roy and Oliver carefully on both of the plane rides. Unlike Felicity, Roy had no issues flying but there was still a great deal of tension in his stiff frame even on the trip home. I was surprised when Roy told me about his conversation with Thea and that he was willing and apparently able to let her go. He has learned a lot since the Mirakuru but more than anything he's learned to be more like Oliver. The fighting and archery skills are an asset for Team Arrow but it's more than that. He seems content to follow Oliver's lead and live alone in the shadows in order to make a difference and protect Starling City. I think he too expects to die in that basement. Like Oliver, Roy is willing to sacrifice love to do his duty. He pushed Thea away to allow her to be safe and happy even though it means he's neither.<p>

What neither Roy nor Oliver seems to realize is that Thea has secrets of her own now. One of those secrets is that she isn't safe or happy either. I taunted Oliver about his family's penchant for islands, but his sister does remind me of Oliver when he first returned. There's a tension radiating from her as well. There's also an undercurrent of darkness there that wasn't there before, not even in the midst of her family scandals and loss. She told Roy that she found herself on that island and I think that's partially true. I also think she found more than that. I don't know what she's hiding, but I don't think it's good for her and I can't believe it will be good for us either. I do believe she loves both Oliver and Roy; however, love isn't always the deciding factor…especially not in the Queen family.

Oliver loves Felicity, but he's not only letting her walk away, he's actively pushing her out the door. I think that was the reason for his manic push to bring Thea home. He lost Sara but Oliver also feels like he's lost Felicity. He's changed a lot recently for the better, but the grief and anger has again forced him to revert to survival mode. Taking a vacation like a normal person isn't the only thing Oliver hasn't learned how to do. It has always been Felicity who has reminded him that he wasn't just the Arrow but also Oliver. Without her, he's desperate to reconnect with Thea as he's counting on his sister to help him remember who Oliver Queen really is. I think both he and Thea will be disappointed in that arrangement though. Oliver was the one who taught Roy to survive, but it was Felicity who was teaching Oliver how to live again. Right now, I think Oliver is not only afraid to die but he's also afraid to live.

I think Felicity is afraid too and not just of dying in that basement. Oliver's pulled her in and pushed her back so many times now that Felicity is no longer sure what she wants or even who she is. Like Oliver, her emotions have forced her to revert to her own survival mode as she tries to find the person that she was before Oliver, before the Arrow. She hasn't told Oliver she's working for QC again. I only know that she is because I tailed her the morning that we got back to the city. Felicity has learned a lot on Team Arrow but neither stealth nor secrecy is her forte. If Oliver wasn't so wrapped up in his own struggles, he would see that Felicity is struggling too. She wanted to fit in back at QC. She wanted out of the dark basement. She wanted a life. I don't think she counted on the fact that Oliver wasn't the only one who changed to become the Green Arrow though. Felicity has changed too and already there's an undercurrent of restless energy in her as well. Like Thea, she is neither safe nor happy right now.

I'm actually not sure any of us are safe or happy right now. Every time I look at baby Sara, I think the world is as perfect as she is. Every time I look at Lyla, I think I've finally gotten it right and I have found that partner who already fits. Instinct and training tell me nothing, no one is perfect though.

Mark Shaw's accusations about Amanda Waller still haunt me. Lyla's unknowing repetition of the sentiment has proven to be even more disturbing as her words mixed with Shaw's desperation and bitterness in my mind. _I do what Amanda Waller wants._ I can't even begin to process what that means - what it could mean for our future together.

There are definitely some undercurrents of tension, darkness, fear and secrecy in all of us that we are trying to ignore. Communication really isn't what Team Arrow does. Unfortunately, I don't think those undercurrents will remain buried long. Sparks will fly soon. I just have to hope we can avoid any explosive fallout or collateral damage when everything comes to light.


	4. Ep3x4 tag - The Magician

**Chapter 4 – The Magician**

**AN** – As stated, I'm not revealing the POV in this one but I did have a very specific relationship in mind which I will reveal if you review and share your own thoughts! ;) Again, there are no obvious spoilers but this will make more sense if you've watched the Ep 3x4, The Magician.

**AN2** - Thank you all for your continued support! I very much appreciate the reviews, faves, and follows!

**DISCLAIMER** – Still not mine so I play without legal claim!

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><p>Love is the real Magician.<p>

Love can steal your sight more thoroughly than any blindfold. Not only can't you see the one you love clearly but you can't see yourself clearly either. Instead you fumble around in the dark and believe the lies.

Love can bind you more thoroughly than any handcuffs. Not only can't you get away but you actually put the restraints on voluntarily. Even if you do walk away you still come back, sometimes you even crawl back.

Love can make you believe in the impossible...foolishly believe in the impossible not just once but over and over again. You believe despite all evidence to the contrary. You tell yourself each time that it will be the last time...until the next time.

So how do you defeat the Magician?

How can you remove the blindfold and see the world as it really is? How can you stop believing the lies? The lies you hear. The lies you tell to others…and to yourself.

How can you release your own bonds and find freedom? What will do you once you are free?

How can you reclaim yourself?

How can you defeat the Magician?

I do not know. I still love. I still love even through the lies. I still love even through the pain. I still love.


	5. Ep3x5 tag - Pain

**Chapter 5 - Pain**

**AN** – I very much enjoyed getting Felicity's back story last night and hope to do an Olicity episode tag from Oliver's POV in my story _A Woman of Distinction._ However, for this one I fixated on Lance's words to Laurel about ten different kinds of pain. Below are short snippets with just that!

_**SPOILER ALERT – ANYTHING FROM ANY SEASON OF ARROW MAY BE USED!**_

**DISCLAIMER** – Standard legal disclaimer still applies as I own nothing related to CW's Arrow!

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><p><span><strong>Quentin Lance<strong>

Watching your child suffer is the worst kind of pain. I've lost partners, my wife, once I even thought I'd lost a child. I didn't see Laurel's pain then as clearly as I felt my own. Now though I can see her pain and anger, her fear and loss of control. I hate sitting back watching Laurel spin out of control, waiting and hoping that she'll turn to me instead of the booze. It breaks my heart that she can't share her pain with me and let me help her. It breaks my heart that she's hurting and it scares me too.

**Thea Queen/ Merlyn**

Loving Ollie and having him in my life again is bittersweet. I never wanted to feel pain again but the echoes of it still remain buried in my heart. Being with Oliver brings them to the surface and that scares me. It doesn't stop me from wanting to be close to him though. I'm not the Thea he once knew and I'm not sure he can love who I am now. Despite everything though, I still want him in my life. I want my brother to love me and I'm willing to meet him half way.

**Laurel Lance**

I hated lying to my dad – he's all that I have left and I know that I'm hurting him. I understand the pain of secrets but I know this secret will devastate him. It might even kill him. I hope that if I carry the burden now that it will save him some grief and pain later. I just don't know if I can do it though. The darkness keeps edging in but it doesn't dull the pain, it makes it burn brighter, it makes it hurt more.

**John Diggle**

I love my daughter and she has taken over my heart and filled it beyond my expectations. She's filled it not just with love but with fear. The fear that I can't make the world a better place, that I can't keep Sara safe is a dull ache that is part of me now. I don't think there's anything I can do to stop that pain. I think that's the price of loving her and I'll never stop loving her.

**Roy Harper**

When the Mirakuru took over my mind and body, it convinced me that I was immune to pain. After I was cured, I welcomed the first pain of an injury. I welcomed the first ache of tired, overworked muscles. Now though that loss of control, that loss of feeling has invaded my dreams as if the Mirakuru is returning. I'm afraid to sleep, I'm afraid of what I'm becoming. I'm afraid it won't be me feeling pain.

**Donna Smoak**

This week was a roller coaster ride! The reunion with my daughter brought me more pain than the first time I worked a sixty hour week in six inch heels to provide for her. I thought that I'd lost her, that maybe I'd never really had her – that really hurt. But, my girl, my Felicity told me that I was right and that there was something of me in her. That more than made up for every pain. She didn't want me to cry so I waited until I got home and had a pint of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream before I had a good cry over the fact that my daughter loves me.

**Ray Palmer**

Felicity Smoak is an absolute enigma and it might even be fair to say that I'm a little, well, ensnared, charmed even. I'm used to the sharp edges of business and I love the challenge of getting my way. There's something about her that makes me crave her softness and that makes me let her have her way. It's almost a yearning, an ache in my chest, somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. I feel it every time I see her tears and I've seen her cry more than any of woman outside of my family. I want to be the one who stops her tears. I want to be the one to make her smile.

**Felicity Smoak**

You do have to love your family but I learned today that you can love someone without understanding them. I never knew that my mom loved me until today. I never knew that I got my strength from her...I didn't even know I had that strength inside me until the last two years. I had kept an image of my first love in my mind and heart but that clearly turned out badly, very badly…on so many levels. I thought I knew then what love was even if it had only brought me pain and had left me alone. Now I have to wonder if love is just acceptance even if you don't know everything about someone, even if you don't always understand them. Love is about staying, being there day after day.

**Oliver Queen**

I would have given anything to see Thea during those five years of hell, those five years of pain. I fought to get back to her then and I just fought to bring her back to me. The grand gestures seem to come more easily for both of us but it's the day to day living, sharing that we struggle with. Love really is about meeting half way and doing your part. It's about being there for someone, telling them that you love them...even if they aren't ready to do their part yet.

**Malcolm Merlyn**

I agreed to teach Thea how not to feel pain again. I took her into my home, I shared my life with her. I made her my daughter in more than just name. I even let her return to Starling City when she asked. Now though I'm forced to watch her sit in the home my money paid for with Oliver Queen. I'm not sure if I would name this feeling as pain but it does feel like betrayal.

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><p><strong>AN2<strong> – As I do hope to write an Olicity episode tag next, pls feel free to share your thoughts/ fave scenes/ whatever from last night's episode! I never guarantee I'll use something or that you'll like what I do with it if I do use it but pls feel free to share!


	6. Ep3x6 tag - Ready

**Chapter 6 – Ready**

**AN** – This little Olicity tag isn't my customary bonus thoughts but instead continues the show a bit further with a bonus scene. It could also be considered a little outside canon as I know this won't happen (yet anyway)!

**DISCLAIMER:** Unless someone forgot to tell me, I have no absolutely no legal claim of ownership on CW's Arrow!

_**SPOILER ALERT: Anything through Episode 3x5 (Guilty, US air date of 11/12/14) may be used!**_

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><p>Oliver had the basement to himself as he waited for Felicity and he welcomed the silence as he trained. Deep breaths in through his nose, out through his mouth. He let this mind float even as his body still performed - kicks, punches, evasions, blocks. Training was his meditation and he needed to clear his mind.<p>

Laurel's words had continued to play over and over in his head. She wasn't on his Team and she wasn't trained. He hadn't argued with her because his thoughts had gone immediately to Felicity - the only person on his Team who he hadn't trained.

Sara had given her some pointers. Diggle had worked with her as well and even Roy had made time to train with Felicity. Without them, she wouldn't have been able to take down her ex. They had all made time to train her and keep her safe. He hadn't trained her himself though.

It wasn't because he thought she couldn't protect herself. It wasn't because he didn't want to train with her. It wasn't because he didn't consider her a member of his Team, a partner.

Training Felicity meant accepting that she was always in danger. Training Felicity meant accepting that he might not be around or able to protect her. Training Felicity meant accepting that she had chosen to stay.

More of his exchange with Laurel came to mind as his movements sped up. Laurel wasn't the only one playing a game. He and Felicity were playing a game too. It was just as dangerous as Laurel's vengeance but it wasn't really a game either.

When Felicity was ready and willing, he had stepped back. When he was ready and willing, Felicity had stepped back. Both too scarred from their pasts. Both too afraid to make that final commitment.

Neither believed they were worthy. Neither believed the other had the same dreams, the same desire, the same love. Neither said those three little words.

Oliver was no longer as afraid but he was tired of playing the game. He was tired of playing at life.

He understood life or death situations - his existence since the Gambit had gone down was always life or death. He had long ago accepted the death part but he had only realized recently that he never accepted the life part.

He now knew that he didn't want to die in their basement. He wanted to live, he wanted to have a life and he wanted to have that life with Felicity. He wanted more than just one date, more than just one kiss.

If he wouldn't turn his back on Roy, he definitely wouldn't turn his back on Felicity. He would always respect her decision to leave if she chose to do so, but he also needed to respect her decision to stay.

Even though Felicity had turned away from him, she hadn't walked away. She was still with them, with him. She had chosen to stay and so had he. Oliver was ready but he knew he needed more than words to convince Felicity that he was all in. Just like training, their relationship couldn't change overnight but he was ready to stop playing games.

Felicity walked into the basement and saw Oliver training at a fast and hard pace. For a moment, she simply enjoyed seeing the grace and power of the man but then her mind supplied other images and she frowned as she looked away.

Things had been off for them since their date, their kiss. Truthfully things had been off well before that - their relationship had never had the same comfortable feeling of family that she had with John or even with Roy. There had always some undercurrent pushing them together or pulling them apart.

Smiling to herself, Felicity admitted that it wasn't so much an unseen force but them doing the pushing and pulling. He didn't think his life allowed him to be with someone he cared about so he pushed her away. She considered them unthinkable so she stepped back. He asked her out and she accepted...but they'd only had one date.

Only one date. Only one kiss. One kiss that she still played in her mind whenever she closed her eyes.

He had gotten scared and she had too. Then she gotten mad and she had stepped back...and he had let her.

Now they were back to being themselves, at least on some level, as neither had walked away completely. There were days that she still wanted to leave though - that was why she had accepted the job at QC. She had needed to remind herself of who she was without Oliver.

She kept coming back though. Oliver had changed her and she liked who she was with him. She liked being on Team Arrow, she liked being the Arrow's partner.

Sighing softly, Felicity acknowledged that she still wanted to be Oliver's partner too. That desire, that love was the real reason she stayed. Suddenly she realized that he had stayed too – Oliver had pushed her away, he had turned away but he hadn't run away, not this time.

Felicity looked up and found Oliver staring at her. At some time during her mental rambling, he had become aware of her and had stopped training.

She stared - longer than she knew she should but she couldn't look away. She couldn't walk away.

He stared - longer than he knew he should but he couldn't look away. He couldn't walk away.

The question on both of their minds was whether or not they could take a step closer together instead of pushing each other away.

At the same moment, both Oliver and Felicity took a single step forward. Both then smiled as they continued to stare at each other.

"Are you ready?" Oliver's voice was lower than usual and he swallowed once before he continued. "I think I need to train you. I want to train you."

Felicity was surprised by his words. He hadn't supported her training efforts so far; however, that hadn't stopped her. She had pestered both John and Roy into helping her, but she had stayed away from Oliver. Although she wasn't sure what had changed his mind, she knew that she was ready. Ready to train, ready to take a step closer to not just the Arrow but closer to Oliver.

"Yes, I'm ready." Felicity grinned then as she knew Oliver couldn't possibly know the thoughts in her head. "Are you ready for me?"

Oliver wasn't sure what Felicity's question meant, but he knew what his answer meant. He was ready to train, ready to take a step closer to Felicity, not just as the Arrow but as Oliver.

"Yeah, Felicity, I'm ready for you now."


	7. Ep3x7 tag - Just Desserts

**Chapter 7 – Just Desserts**

**AN** - I have to admit that I felt for Oliver in last night's episode and I'm a little annoyed with our beloved IT genius right now. Here's my way of working through some of that as again FF is my therapy!

**AN2** - My apologies for omitting this originally but THANK YOU! I try to reply to each reviewer (except guests as that's not possible) but I still like to show my appreciation here too! Each read, follow, fave, and review mean the world to me! Thank you!

**DISCLAIMER** – Nope, no legal claim!

_**SPOILER WARNING – As this is an episode tag to 3x7 Draw Back Your Bow (US air date of 11/19/14) I think it's fair to expect there to be some spoilers!**_

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><p>Oliver was glad that he and Roy had joined Digg and Lyla for the late dinner. It was what both of them needed and it had felt right, good. For a short time, the weight crushing his chest and making it hard to breathe had been lifted. The night didn't provide any answers, but it did make the pain in his heart easier to bear.<p>

That relief didn't stop him from seeking her out afterwards though. Cursing himself as a masochist, he drove to her place. He wasn't sure what he had expected to see, but Felicity sitting on her couch with a blanket wrapped around her as she cried and ate ice cream wasn't it. For a moment, he just stared at her, hurting for her, aching to be with her. While he hadn't convinced himself that he could accept it if Palmer did make her happy this wasn't Felicity looking happy. He knew how Felicity looked when she was happy...and he knew how she looked when she was angry, hurt, amused. Forcing those memories away, he let himself in through her window.

She jumped slightly and gave a short half scream when she saw him but otherwise there was little response. Felicity didn't speak - she actually turned away from him and avoided his eyes. A sharp pain pierced his chest and forced him to drop to the seat across from her.

Felicity heard Oliver sit down but she was too busy trying to wipe the tear tracks from her face as subtly as she could. She didn't know why he was here but she did know that he was in protective mode. She knew how Oliver looked when he was getting ready to step in and help someone, help her...and she knew how he looked when he was angry, hurt, amused. Forcing those memories away, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Tonight should have been perfect - she had gotten everything that she had wanted. She had gotten a life outside of their dark basement. There was a gorgeous man who wanted her and wanted to spoil her (hello, couture and diamonds). There was a company that was saving the city during the day and required more from her than just making coffee. She had gotten everything she had said that she wanted…but she had been miserable.

Instead of being happy with Ray or even working, she had tracked Team Arrow and saw that they were all together at Digg and Lyla's place. A sharp pain pierced her chest again with the memory. Felicity knew that she had been the one to walk away, the one to push them away but it didn't ease her pain. A small voice reminded her that not only had she pushed them away but she had even taunted Oliver with her new life - she'd appeared at the press conference supporting the man who had stolen his family's company without even telling him and she had asked for the night off for dinner instead of helping the Team. She had even shut John down when he had tried to intervene as a friend.

She believed what she had told John though - Oliver had made his choice. However, it was her choices that had left her at home alone, crying into her ice cream. Startled from her inner ramblings, she realized that she wasn't alone now and there were fresh tears for Oliver to see.

Oliver had simply watched the woman he loved as she cried – the pain in his chest a hundred times worse with each tear. She made no sound and somehow her silent tears devastated him. He didn't know why she was crying and he didn't know how to help her, but he did know that he couldn't leave her like that.

Oliver stood up and then moved to kneel in front of Felicity. With one hand under her chin, he forced her to meet his eyes. Neither smiled as they looked for something in the other's eyes, something they both needed and both had missed lately. He then dropped his hand to take both of hers as he stood up and started pulling her up gently into a hug. Holding his breath, he gave her time to speak, to resist but when she came willingly he breathed a sigh of relief and tightened his arms around her. The pain in his heart eased as he felt her relax into his body and he was able to take a deep breath. No one had ever felt so right to him as Felicity did.

Felicity snuggled deeper into Oliver's strong embrace even as she mocked her own weakness, her own stupidity. She did want a life but she wanted it with Oliver. She wanted him to fight for her as he had fought to return to Laurel while on the Island. She wanted him to fight for her as he had fought for vengeance and justice to save the city. She wanted him to fight to be with her instead of walking away. She needed to know that she wasn't just one of the many and that she was worth fighting for. No one had ever felt so right to her as Oliver did but she needed to know that it was the same for him.

The couple stayed close for several minutes as both savored the comfort they found in each other's arms. Neither spoke for fear of forcing the other away...whenever they had tried talking about them, there was no them.

Oliver reluctantly pulled away far enough to gently wipe the tears from Felicity's face. When she smiled a small smile he felt the pain ease further and he felt hope.

Felicity pulled completely out of Oliver's arms and moved away. She disappeared into kitchen but quickly returned to find him standing where she had left him. Without a word, she took her seat on the couch and picked up her ice cream and spoon. She then produced another spoon and held it out to him as she met his eyes.

Oliver stared at the spoon and then into the eyes of the woman he loved but couldn't have. After only a moment, he accepted her offering and took a seat next to her on the couch.

With their bodies lightly touching, the couple enjoyed several spoons of ice cream in silence. For the first time since their one and only date, both felt peace, freedom...both felt love.


	8. Ep3x8 tag - The One

**Chapter 8 – The One **

**AN** – Overall I thought it was a cute episode and I'm enjoying the Oliver who has insights, smarts off, and actually shares…but I miss the Oliver who climbs the salmon ladder too! :) This bonus Olicity scene brings both Olivers together!

**AN2 **– Many, many thanks for all who continue to read this story and my other works too! If you don't write, you may not know that FF allows writers to see the daily traffic of each story - it always makes me giddy to start a new month and still see people reading my older stories! THANK YOU!

**DISCLAIMER** – Nope, no legal claim!

**_SPOILER WARNING – This is an episode tag to 3x8 The Brave and the Bold (US air date of 12/4/14) so expect there to be some spoilers!_**

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><p>Felicity made her way back to the 'Arrow Cave' after seeing their new friends off. It really was good to have people who understood, or at least people who were starting to understand the perils of their night jobs. While she wouldn't wish the pain and darkness of their lives on Barry or his team, she knew that there would be hard lessons for them to learn if they continued.<p>

Being brutally honest with herself, Felicity admitted that she did want them to continue for selfish reasons of her own. She wanted them to come back to Starling City because they were good for Oliver. He seemed to be opening up to the idea that there were other ways of doing things and that help and additional resources were good things. His acceptance of that brought them just a little further out of their dark basement and she rejoiced even in those small steps. However, she had to admit that things had been crowded lately and she wanted some peace and quiet for herself too as she needed some time to think.

She and Oliver seemed to be back to friends – he had even let Barry help when she had pushed and he had agreed with her translation of his words to Barry's team. They were finding their rhythm and it felt good to be close again. In her excitement at having a life outside of the basement, it had taken some time for her to realize that she missed their friendship, that she missed Oliver. Even with all the recent changes and new opportunities, she was starting to realize and accept that Oliver was still the one that mattered most to her.

Unfortunately, she also realized that they had some work to do to get back to rebuild their friendship, to rebuild them. There were still some things missing and she needed to think…an easily recognizable metallic clang interrupted Felicity's thoughts even as she took several quick steps to see the source of the noise.

Freezing, she simply stared at a bare chested Oliver hanging from the salmon ladder. Even though she had seen both Ray and Barry do the exercise lately and even witnessed Cisco trying to do it, it just wasn't the same as seeing Oliver. She couldn't help the smile that lit her face as her eyes roamed over his face and body since his eyes were closed and he couldn't witness her greedy look. She noted the strength in his arms, each and every familiar tattoo and scar, and the controlled power that seemed to radiate from him - she took several moments to simply enjoy Oliver. Even though it was distracting, she had definitely missed this.

Oliver kept his eyes closed even though he knew Felicity was there, even though he felt her eyes on him. He continued to hold still for several more moments before opening his eyes to look at her briefly before moving the bar up another level. He again closed his eyes and let his body lower and still naturally instead of using the momentum to continue upwards.

He had come back to their headquarters after proving to Barry that he couldn't kick his ass despite his speed. Felicity was right that additional friends and resources were good but he needed the quiet comfort of home without everyone crowding into his space. It had felt good to be alone and train but he had to admit that it felt even better to have Felicity close. At the sound of her fingers on her keyboard, he smiled. He had missed these moments with her – he had missed her.

Opening his eyes, Oliver took a moment to just look at Felicity. Regardless of how many people knew his secret, regardless of how many people provided help, she was still the one that mattered most. She was the one who helped him keep his humanity and put the pieces of himself back together. She was the one who inspired him to fight to keep Oliver Queen alive – just for her.

Lyla understood Waller's lessons as he did – conviction and extremes, brave and bold. Felicity was the one who understood that he needed to keep Shado's hood.

Roy understood the fear of losing control and hurting someone you loved. Felicity was the one who cried and then kept fighting for justice for Sara.

Barry was learning to understand that being a hero wasn't just about saving the day but saving yourself. Felicity was the one who used her own past pain to become better, brighter.

Digg understood the drive to protect and avenge the ones you love. Felicity was the one who understood how to forgive and let go.

Oliver knew Felicity was the one he needed to talk to, to confide in. She was the one—

"Are you just going to hang there or are you going to work for what you want?" Felicity finally broke the silence to tease Oliver. He looked so serious, so hurt, so hopeful as he had stared at her for several minutes that she just had to speak.

Oliver smiled in surprise at Felicity's words and just what they could mean. So much remained unsaid between them still but words rarely helped them. He moved up the remaining levels quickly then dropped to the ground as she watched and the silence stretched out between them.

Even knowing he rarely said the right thing to Felicity, Oliver still met her eyes as he walked close enough to rest a hand on her shoulder as he spoke.

"I don't want to die in this basement Felicity. I don't want either of us to die in the dark, alone."


End file.
